Bad jokes

[teflon]

Heard the one about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?

[Martin]

Or the insomniac agnostic dyslexic animal lover who lay awake in bed wondering if there really was a Dog.

[baxter]

Why was the dyslexic thrown out of the piano bar?


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He kept spitting in the tips jar.






What do you do with a sick boat?

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Take it to the dock.

[Lucky Eight]

What is the name of an Australian woman, with only one leg?

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Eileen.





What is the name of a Chinese woman, with only one leg?

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Irene.

[ clue: Anyone ordering flied lice? ].

[Lucky Eight]

What is unique about an Irish helicopter?

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It is the only helicopter in the world fitted with an ejector seat.

[Martin]

Or the man who went into a church and threw Domestos over the vicar?
He was charged with a bleach of the priest.

And a guy working in a breakfast cereal factory died whe he fell into a silo of muesli. He was pulled down by a strong currant.

A guy in the factory next door producing ready meals was luckier after falling into a vat of curry. The paramedics found him in a korma.

A friend of mine has hit rock bottom. Police found him drinking battery acid in his shed. They charged him.

Another friend caught eating fireworks was let off.

[Lucky Eight]

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the middle of the Sahara desert.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the camel drops dead.

Apprehensively, the nun turns to the priest, and asks: "what do we do now, Father?"
Solemnly, the priest answers: "there is nothing we can do, sister. We are in God`s hands now. We are doomed."

After a short time, the priest turns to the nun and says: "Sister, there is something I`ve always wanted to do - and that is to admire the female form." "Would you be so kind as to oblige me, by disrobing?"

"Certainly, Father", replied the nun and proceeded to undress, until she stood in front of him, naked.

"Hmmmm...... beautiful......very nice", said the the priest, as he feasted his eyes over her.

After a while, the nun turned to the priest, and said: "Father, I confess that I have never seen a naked man. Would you reciprocate by disrobing and allowing me to view the male form?"

"Certainly,Sister", replied the priest and promptly took all his clothes off.

Running her eyes over him, the nun gasped: "Pray tell me Father, and what do you call THAT prominent part of your anatomy?"

"This, my Dear", replied the priest, proudly," is 'The Gift of Life' ".

Without hesitating, she yelled: "Well then why don`t you stick it up that camel, so that we can get the f.....g hell out of here!"

[Lada & Korean Parts]

hope it wont upset the sensitive little possums.......



Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn cuz," answers one of the Kiwis

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Kiwis cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at
all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and learn cuz," answers a Kiwi ....

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."

[Des]

The best joke this year!!!!!! Did you hear the one......... No Ausie/Kiwi team in the Super14 final this year. Chuckle......chuckle......chuckle.
Anyway.... back to clean jokes....
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medical Aid will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at the Medical Aid recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town - If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.’

[Martin]

I thought my wife had tourettes. Turns out I actually am a c*nt and she really does want me to F*ck off!!

[kevprojex]

Two boiled eggs in a saucepan one says to the other "bloody hell its hot in here init" the other says "wait till you get outside they smash your f*****g head in" .


Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who spent £250,000 on a warehouse.

[SP450andLE]

Why did the man take his car to the music shop?










To get the drum brakes fixed!

[Eddy]

My Favorite Animal





Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders.." Guess where I am now...

[spikey dapikey]

LOL !! Stealing this joke

[Lucky Eight]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I`m afraid it looks like she`s been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."