Bad jokes

[Lada & Korean Parts]

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a multi story block of flats. A
Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and
All six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in
The country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
The fire.

Six Maori ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew
Into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims,
Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple
Survived.

The fire chief quietly replied, "They were both at work."

[Lada & Korean Parts]

This is why we love children!

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

[Martin]

If I was to tell the joke concerning the various occupants of a block of flats submitted by our antipodean friend above, I could be disciplined, arrested and potentially jailed. Are our Australian cousins not so coscientious or legally/morally bound with regard to causing offence by publicly saying such things?

[GadgetBoy]

The word "xenophobia" somes to mind.

[baxter]

Andy, the thread might be "Bad Jokes" but that's quite enough of the racist material imho - to be frank I'm not really interested in either reading it or having it on forum I'm associated with.





What do you call a sleeping cow?

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A bulldozer

[Lucky Eight]

Why are kids fond of Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer?



Because he is so endearing.

[I`m thinking up more deer jokes]

[Lada & Korean Parts]

thats the problem with the world,everyones getting too soft.....

can't say blonde jokes incase you offend blondes
can't say irish jokes cause it affects the irish etc etc etc.

yet these other people can say what they like & everyone accepts it.....

no,australia fortunatly enough hasn't become a country that is worried about aussie jokes,but everyone else around the world gets offended

bloody hell,most of these have been around for years........

get a life,no one forces you to read it.

last i heard mark,new zealand can still laugh at itself as well.......


"xenophobia" is a word thrown around too easily nowadays,can say something 5-10 years ago wasn't a problem,now it's "xenophobia"

the problem today is everyone is getting so politically correct,i just hope australia & nz don't end up like that.

i guess we're just 2 different worlds,i just hope that we don't surrender without a shot fired as well.

what about that poor deer that's getting picked on,bound to be someone offended by that shortly..........


and thanks for the couple of emails,i totally agree.

[vlad]

hear hear.... I'm moving to Oz

[Lucky Eight]

Buddhists practice Buddhism.

Hindus practice Hinduism.

What religion do deer practice? Deism.

[baxter]

Being anti-racist isn't PC-gone-mad, and it isn't denying you the right to laugh at yourself. I'm not complaining about blonde or Irish/Aussie etc jokes, or even ethnic jokes in general.

But there's a difference between ok ethnic jokes and racism. It's not hard to tell if an ethnic joke is racist - it is one that is intended to belittle and marginalise a race and hence the people it's about aren't laughing along with the teller of the joke.

I have a hard time detaching any inherent humour from a clearly damaging stereotype. IMHO racist jokes cross the line from a good fun laugh (eg blonde jokes, Aussie jokes, Irish jokes, etc) to actually being offensive - much as say jokes about rape are simply not funny to me.

And so what if racist jokes were acceptable a decade ago? Wife-beating jokes were acceptable 20 years ago. Doesn't make them ok now.

I suspect we'll never agree on what's acceptable, no problems there buddy, that's the rich tapestry of life - but I would simply be grateful if you'd take my offence at racist material into account when you post here. Kind of like not saying "****" in front of one's grandmother I guess.


Now back to the bad jokes and deerism...



What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

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Still no idea!




What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and is on fire?

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Still no flaming idea!

[teflon]

You can only censor yourself if you're that easily offended. I actually liked the joke. It was clever and funny - and if you call me a racist, I'll sue you. Trying to decide whether or not to report you to http://www.arlan.org.nz/ for promoting the idea of setting fire to disabled deer.

Seriously though (and maybe put things into perspective?) here's one of the funniest film scenes I've ever watched that actually involves the killing of a deer. Reasoning is, it's ok to laugh if we find something funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp7qRJcZ484

[Lada & Korean Parts]

yep,you're getting too pc mark,i've had several emails from people who thought it wasn't racist,just a joke,no different to the old days......

i've been away from nz too long,one of the people that emailed says nz is getting too pc,& has moved that far left since clark was in,it's almost falling over.......

just bypass it,no one forced you to read it all.

next please......

[Lada & Korean Parts]

hope this ones not too rough for you mark.......

A biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.


A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'


The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'


The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.' The journalist leaves.



The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:



"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."



That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

[baxter]

yep,you're getting too pc mark,i've had several emails from people who thought it wasn't racist...

No argument about your right to the view that it's not racist - just please respect my view that I did find it racist. I would hope that's not to much to ask.




And again back to the bad jokes:



Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil?


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It had no point.

[Lucky Eight]

What do you call Santa`s helper in America`s Deep South?


Rudolph, the red-necked reindeer.